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5 Nigerian Artisans That Always Disappoint

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Patronizing Nigerian Artisans is like playing Russian Roulette, a game of chance where an empty revolver gun is loaded with half of its bullets and fired. It’s either you get shot or the gun just blanks.

When hiring Nigerian artisans, there’s a 50% chance that you would not like the outcome of that transaction. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of great artisans but many of them can become a pain in the a** with their shoddy jobs, lack of punctuality and constant lies.  If you have an artisan with a knack for excellence and consistency, you need to hold on to them like your life depends on it because there are only 4 or 5 of them left in Nigeria.

Given my experience, I can provide you with a long list of Nigerian Artisans that are sure to disappoint you, but let’s start with 5.

At the very top of my list with a first-class degree in disappointment is none other than yours truly: 

Tailors

During the holidays, I wanted to make some new clothes for my husband and surprise him. I was already daydreaming of how I would surprise him but boy, did I have my hopes dashed.

You know that thing they say about Nigerian tailors and clothes in December, I experienced it firsthand and it was painful! I am the type of customer who doesn’t know how to complain when I get poor service, but rest assured that I would never patronize that vendor again. 

Tailors would break your heart more than your significant other. They lie, hide and evade all your efforts to reach them so easily. I’m sure every Nigerian has had a taste of tailors’ wahala before.

From what I ordered vs what I got to failing to meet up with agreed timelines, messing up your fabric (getting clothes burnt) and keeping back a bit of the fabric for themselves, the list is actually endless. The painful part is that when they use your materials to make their own clothes, they make them so well and look beautiful in them.

Mechanics

When it comes to lying, Nigerian Mechanics are second only to the devil. Once you hear “AHHHH!” when the mechanic is under your vehicle, just forget it, he is going to bill you! They never find only one fault with a car, it must be at least 3 faults!

I can’t forget their aversion to permanent fixes. They would use things like palm oil, eba, and even noodles as replacements for actual car repair necessities after charging you for those things. When they fix your car they must test it around town and even use it to carry babes. Your wife will see your car in a restaurant, and start questioning you, not knowing that your favorite mechanic went to enjoy life a bit. 

Nigerian Mechanics do not understand the gravity of their job. While a shoddy job done by a tailor could lead to a fashion embarrassment, a shoddy job from a mechanic could lead to loss of life.

Plumbers

Plumber gees; they trick you that they’re about to do good work by always complaining about the job done by the plumber before them. With all these assertions, you would assume that once they fix the leak, you would never see their face again, but no. They fixed the leak but you might need to change the whole pipe by next week. They work only when they want to and they are always busy with ‘outside work,’ meaning, they dictate when they would be available. You can never bank on a Nigerian plumber to get to you on time.

Electricians

Electricians are the star boys of artisans, they always work as though they are invisible and they are most powerful when they are fixing generators or reconnecting NEPA light. Gen fixing is something they never get right, they would fix it today and next week you would be ringing their phone. When they fix the wiring of a house, you can’t even trust that the ground won’t shock you.

Dispatch Rider

These guys aren’t really artisans but they must feature here. Don’t tell them to deliver food, especially jollof rice and turkey. If they are kind, you might get only the rice without the turkey or half of both and you’re expected to be understanding because “country hard.”

They are also notorious for arriving late. So if you want to order food, you need to drink garri first because before they arrive, you might die of hunger. They don’t have patience so once they arrive, they expect you to rush out and get your property.

One thing I’ve learnt to do whenever a dispatch rider has a delivery for me, is to examine the item (edible or not) before they leave, to avoid unnecessary stories.         

Nigerian artisans can be very stressful to work with so if you find one that does work with excellence and punctuality, hold on to them like your life depends on it cause it actually might. I wish you good luck. 

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Kanyinsola Nwaizu
Kanyinsola Nwaizu

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  47. Could it be that these elusive ‘Plumber Gees’ are actually time-traveling artisans, fixing leaks in the past and dooming them to break again in the future? Or perhaps, they’re secretly employing a team of apprentices who are sabotaging their own work to keep the business going? Let’s delve into the enigma of the Nigerian plumber and uncover the truth behind their unpredictable schedules and mysterious ‘outside work’.

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