If Social Media Apps Were Nigerian Elders 

Nigerian elders are well known for their peculiar behaviours and ability to come up with witty comebacks whenever they want to hit you hard. There’s no social media platform they’ve not been able to fit into. 

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Nigerian elders were social media apps? What do you think Facebook and Tiktok would be like? Me too.. Here’s my list of some of the popular social media apps as Nigerian elders

Facebook  – The Gossip Aunt

Every Nigerian family always has that one elder (both male and female) who is a nosy parker. I don’t know how they do it but they usually have detailed information about other people’s lives, just like Facebook. They know the juicy stories and know what everyone is up to. 

You know those aunties too that are always in other people’s business but can’t seem to mind theirs and they’re always seeking to fix other people’s children even when they’ve done a shoddy job of fixing theirs. Let’s not even talk about how they constantly get into trouble because of their mouth. 

Just like Facebook’s “What’s On Your Mind?”,they always start a conversation with very subtle but invasive questions that’ll put you in a position of plenty shalaye. For example: “You’re looking good in this your dp o, so you got married and didn’t tell me?” or “You look just like your daddy when he was a small boy and he used to like girls a lot, I hope you don’t like girls o?” 

Instagram – The Trendy Gen Z Elder

Every family needs at least one of these types of elders that doesn’t take life too seriously. They’re Gen X with the fashion sense and vocabulary of a Gen Z, with a fine blend of retro and modern day rizz/steeze. Always keeping up with the trends, not a single moment of unfreshness. 

They’re very cool and fun to be around because they’re very much in tune with their inner child. They’re cordial with every member of the family and have a unique way of addressing issues when called upon to do so. 

I remember how TT (my uncle – Tito) made some of the difficult conversations I was scared of having with my parents seem easy. They’re the life of the party; that one person everyone looks forward to seeing at a family occasion. 

Having them in your corner is the next best thing after sliced bread; they’ll spoil you rotten and infect you with their lighthearted nature. I forgot to mention, they tell the best stories, even though some of them are made up. (we still love them like that).  Lastly, they age backwards like vampires; always looking younger than their age. 

Fusion – The Olori Ebi Elder

There’s always that one elder in every Nigerian family who takes it on themself to bring family members together. They’re the most responsible person in the immediate/extended family, usually the oldest too, always calling for family meetings, organizing get-togethers, reunions and the likes.

They know all the cousins, nephews, nieces, in-laws and everyone in between. It’s almost as if they thrive on communal existence. 

You know that uncle/aunt that your parents respect a lot and can’t say no to, the ones that always ask your parents to send you over for the holidays. They’re very calm and seem to have it all together.

They’re very wise and exceptional when it comes to resolving disputes. They’re also very warm, patient and kind. They give the best hugs and sound advice. It’s hard not to love them. They go above and beyond for family.

However, if you find yourself in a situation where a sprinkle of violence is needed, just call someone else. They don’t have it. 

TikTok – Last Born Elders

These are the ones that never really outgrew their position as the last born of the family. They are always globe trotting and living large. They find it hard to take responsibility for others.

Whenever they call your parents, you’ll just know there’s a problem that needs to be fixed. They do the silliest things and would blackmail anybody with their tears. 

They have the wildest stories! They seem to have a knack for constantly misbehaving and end up roping the entire family in their mess.

They also have a wild sense of entitlement. When they see you at a family function, they always ask the same question: “Na wa for you o, you didn’t even call your aunt/uncle?” 

Twitter – The One Who Likes Reading The News

You know that elder that buries their face in newspapers for 12 hours in a day. They love politics and can go on and on just analyzing situations. They’re very good with history and also very knowledgeable about different subjects – from sports, to finance, to entertainment, to politics – except fashion.

They can argue for Africa, like to back up their arguments with quotes from the Nigerian constitution and are always quick to brag about how they can proffer solutions to the problems of the world.

When they’re not arguing about politics or the news, they’re usually very quiet. They’re well travelled and always have old friends/colleagues in high places. If you’re job hunting, it might be a good call to pay them a visit. They might know someone that can help out.

I have truckloads of elders in my family but if my favorite one was a social media app, he’ll be called Fusion because he’s all about family and community, and no social media app does that better than Fusion. Try it and see for yourself!

How about you? What would you call your favorite uncle/aunt if they were social media apps? Which of these categories would best describe them? Let’s continue the conversation on Fusion.