It’s that time of the year again! Jollof rice is cooking, wedding invites are flying around, and someone’s uncle is already asking why you’re still single. But amidst all the fun, there’s one thing every Nigerian dreads: village people.
You know them; the distant relatives who turn your life into their side hustle, the nosy aunties who always “see visions” about your future, and the cousins who suddenly need urgent “assistance” once you show up with small chest-puffing vibes. If you’re trying to keep your peace and bank account intact this season, this one is for you.
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1. Pretend You’re on a Business Call at All Times
Village people love idle targets. The moment you sit quietly in one corner, someone will walk up with a “You know, I helped your father in 1987” story that ends with, “So, I need a little financial support.”
Your solution? Never be idle. Walk around the compound with your phone pressed to your ear and randomly say things like, “Yes, Mr. Chairman, I’ll send the invoice immediately.” Village people won’t disturb someone who sounds like they’re managing a billion-naira contract.
2. Bring a Fake Significant Other
Nothing shuts down questions faster than showing up with someone your family doesn’t know. When that one auntie starts with, “When will we eat your rice?” just point to your accomplice and say, “This is Chika; we’re getting to know each other.”
But be warned—this strategy comes with risks. If the fake boo overdoes it and starts calling your grandma “mama,” they might get recruited into your village people squad. Choose wisely.
3. Travel Light. Like, Really Light.
You see those oversized suitcases and that flashy outfit you planned to slay with? They’re a village people magnet. The more “I have arrived” vibes you give, the more urgent “family emergencies” will pop up.
Instead, dress down. Wear slippers that have seen better days and carry that small bag you use for gym clothes. If they think you’re broke, you’ll have peace of mind. And your money.
4. Pretend You’re in a Hurry
Arrive late, leave early, and act like you always have somewhere important to be. When your uncle starts telling you how he needs your help to roof his house, hit him with, “Ah, I’m rushing to run some errands. My flight is tomorrow morning!”
Bonus points if you throw in random mentions of your “tight schedule.” Village people respect the hustle, even when it’s fake.
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5. Use Big English to Confuse Them
Village people thrive on clear, straightforward communication. Don’t give it to them. When someone starts probing your financial status, hit them with: “You know, the macroeconomic dynamics of the global south and it’s brouhaha have significantly impacted my liquidity flow.”
Watch their eyes glaze over as they mumble, “Ah, it is well.” Just like that, you’re free.
6. Never, Ever Sit in the Village Square
The village square is where destinies are exchanged for two plates of nkwobi. You think you’re just catching up with that old friend, but before you know it, your New Year’s resolution will involve avoiding spiritual battles.
Stay indoors. If anyone asks why, tell them you’re fasting. It’s hard to argue with someone who’s “in the spirit.”
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7. Keep All Your Wins to Yourself
“Ah, I heard you bought a car!”
“So, you’re now the manager in your company?”
These are not compliments. These are reconnaissance missions to assess your financial worth. Smile politely and respond with, “It’s not easy, oh. We thank God.”
Under no circumstances should you confirm or deny anything. Ambiguity is your shield.
8. Have an Emergency Code with Your Siblings
Your siblings are your allies in this battle. Create a secret signal for when village people start cornering one of you. It could be a random phrase like, “Is there still yam in the kitchen?”
The moment you hear it, swoop in and rescue your person with a dramatic excuse: “Ah, sorry, we need to go and call Uncle Chinedu urgently!”
The holidays are a time for family, fun, and unrelenting prayers against village people wahala. While you can’t completely avoid them (they’re family, after all), you can outwit them at every turn.
So, pack your bags, wear your slipperiest slippers, and carry this guide with you like a charm. With a little strategy and a lot of big English, you’ll survive the holiday season unscathed; and maybe even have some fun while at it.
Good luck out there. You’ll need it!
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