So, you saw a five-star hotel offering a “limited-time only” 80% discount, and in your heart, you knew it was too good to be true. But greed whispered, “Take it!” and now you’re in a ‘luxury’ hotel room in Lekki with a ‘deluxe’ view of someone’s backyard and a showerhead that’s only there for decoration.
Congratulations, you played yourself. But don’t worry, next time, you’ll know the red flags. Here are five dead giveaways that your ‘luxury’ hotel is actually a glorified face-me-I-face-you with better branding.
1. The Pictures Were Clearly Photoshopped
That infinity pool? A blue-tinted puddle filled with tadpoles and mosquito larvae. The grand lobby? A cleverly cropped image of their reception desk, strategically cutting out the plastic chairs. If the website photos look like they were edited by someone who just discovered Canva, chances are you’ve been scammed.
And let’s not forget the best trick of all; borrowing pictures from real five-star hotels. If you reverse image search that ‘breathtaking’ penthouse suite and it leads you to a Dubai hotel’s Instagram, just know you’re about to sleep in a room that still smells like the previous guest.
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2. Your ‘King-Sized’ Bed Is Two Mattresses Pushed Together
You booked a luxurious king-sized bed expecting the kind of comfort that will make you reconsider going back home. Instead, you get two skinny, wobbly mattresses struggling to form a union. One wrong turn in your sleep, and you find yourself slipping into the crack of betrayal. And let’s not even talk about the pillows—they’re either so flat they belong in a secondary school dormitory or so lumpy they feel like someone stuffed them with leftover fufu.
3. The ‘Rainfall Shower’ Is a Trickle (If It Even Works)
Ah, yes, the promise of a spa-like experience, only for you to turn on the shower and be met with one singular drop of water per minute. You twist every knob, you say a little prayer, but nothing changes. If you’re lucky, water might finally come out—but it’s either boiling hot or colder than your ex’s heart. And if the shower miraculously works, congratulations! Now you just have to deal with a drain that refuses to function, leaving you ankle-deep in ‘had I known’.
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4. The ‘24/7 Concierge Service’ is One Uncle Named Bayo
Luxury hotels promise round-the-clock service, but in reality, the only staff member you’ll find is Bayo, the receptionist-slash-bartender-slash-handyman. Need fresh towels? “Check back tomorrow.” Room service? “Ah, our chef just stepped out.” Light goes off? “Give me five minutes, let me on the gen.” And let’s not forget the WiFi… if you’re lucky enough to get a signal, it will be slower than Lagos traffic on a Monday morning.
5. Mosquitoes Are the Real Guests, and You Are the Buffet
Nothing says ‘luxury’ like waking up to mosquito bites across your arms and legs. You thought you paid for a VIP experience, but it turns out the real VIPs are the mosquitoes feasting on you like you’re the main course at a buffet. And don’t even think about complaining; Bayo will just hand you a can of expired insecticide and wish you good luck.
If you’ve experienced at least three of these signs, I hate to break it to you – you didn’t book a luxury hotel; you booked premium suffering. Whether it’s a Lekki ‘boutique’ hotel that looks like someone’s unfinished duplex or an international stay that turns out to be a glorified motel, always do your research.
And next time, if the price seems too good to be true, just remember: it probably is. Safe travels, and may your next ‘luxury’ hotel actually have working plumbing.
