Whether you’re a new parent or a veteran, here’s a reminder that the good old days when you could binge-watch Netflix till 2 AM, sleep like a log, and wake up only when your alarm told you to? Yeah, those days are gone.
Now, you have tiny human alarm clocks that go off at random hours of the night, demanding food, attention, or simply deciding that 3 AM is a perfect time to practice their use of language.
If you’ve been searching for ways to get more sleep, you’ve come to the right place. The answer is simple: You won’t. But let’s pretend for a moment that you have a chance.
Here are a few tips to help you get more sleep as a parent.
Sleep When the Baby Sleeps (If You Hate Peace)
People who give this advice clearly do not have children. Let’s be honest, when the baby sleeps, that’s the only time you have to eat, clean, shower, and remember who you used to be.
Also, babies don’t sleep normally. One minute, they are snoring like your uncle after eating pounded yam, the next minute, their eyes are wide open like they never slept.
If you think you can sleep when they sleep, best believe you’ll wake up to find your child sitting on your face.
Trade Sleep for Silence
Some parents have found that the best way to sleep is to let the children do whatever they want.
Is your toddler trying to cook Indomie on the gas stove? No problem, you need five more minutes of sleep.
Did your 4-year-old just pour your entire bottle of Ori (shea butter) on the floor? At least it’s moisturizing.
Is your 6-year-old using your phone to transfer your life savings to a TikTok influencer? Allow it.
If you choose this method, just be prepared for a new level of damage control when you wake up.
Send the Kids to Grandma’s
Now, this one is technically a good plan. If your mother or mother-in-law is around, drop the kids with her and run. However, this plan has two major problems:
- Grandma will return them the moment they start crying. Nigerian grandmothers love their grandkids, but the moment they start stress, she will call you: “Come and carry your children before I faint in this house!”
- She will spoil them rotten and return them worse than when you dropped them. Expect to hear things like: “Mummy, Grandma said I can drink Fanta before bed!”
Congratulations, you now have a sugar-fueled child who will not sleep anytime soon.
Lie to Yourself That You’ll Sleep on the Weekend
This is what keeps most parents going. The sweet, innocent lie that “this weekend, I will sleep.”
But then, reality hits:
- Saturday: You wake up at 6 AM because your child wants pancakes and won’t let you rest.
- Sunday: They insist on going to children’s church, and now you’re forced to wake up early to look presentable and make them look presentable too.
By Sunday night, you’re looking at yourself in the mirror wondering if sleep is a scam invented by single people.
Try Co-Sleeping (Or Accept That Your Bed is No Longer Yours)
Some parents believe co-sleeping is the answer. But they forget that children sleep like karate champions.
One minute, they are lying peacefully. The next minute, you’re catching a flying kick to your jaw. Your pillow? Gone. Your blanket? Stolen. Your dignity? Missing.
At this point, you’re left with two choices: You either accept that your body is now a pillow, trampoline, and personal scratching post, or you sleep on the floor like a refugee in your own house.
Fake a Business Trip
This is not for the weak. If all else fails, invent a fake work trip.
Step 1: Tell your spouse your office is sending you to Abuja for a conference.
Step 2: Book a cheap hotel down the street.
Step 3: Sleep like a baby for the first time in years.
Just make sure you don’t get caught. If your partner sees you buying bread at the junction, you are finished.
Give Up and Join the Insomnia Gang
At the end of the day, there’s no winning against children. You will never sleep properly again until they leave for university (and even then, they will call you at 2 AM for school fees).
So embrace it. Drink coffee, take naps in your car, and remember; sleep is temporary, but your child’s ability to make you lose sleep is forever.
Good luck, dear parents. May the odds (and your eyelids) be ever in your favor.
Need a safe space to rant about being a parent? Join us in the Parenting community on Fusion.
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