Congratulations!
So, you finally landed your dream remote job and it’s the next best thing after sliced bread.
You no longer have to rush out in the mornings to beat Lagos traffic, or think of what to wear, or the lie to tell at work for resuming late.
The pay is also paying, life feels good and you have ignored all advice on getting in some regular exercise to stay alive and keep the big bucks rolling in.
The usual excuse is, “there’s no time for that!” And it’s okay.
Since you are determined you really want to shorten your lifespan as a remote worker, there are some “guaranteed” strategies.
Here are the top ones:
Sit Like a Statue for 12 Hours Straight
Who needs exercise when you can merge with your chair?
Take full advantage of the luxurious sedentary lifestyle that working remotely affords you and relax.
Just keep sitting hunched over your laptop from 8 a.m. till midnight.
By the end of the month, your back will be shaped like a question mark (?) and your blood circulation will file for divorce.
Whatever happens just keep saying “I’ll stretch after this meeting”
And that my friend is how early obituaries are written.
Make Coffee Your Only Food
How else would you prove to your family, colleagues and supervisor that you’re not relenting till you hit your goals?
Take coffee for breakfast, lunch and cold coffee with extra anxiety sprinkles for dinner.
Forget about water; after all, coffee has water inside, right?
By the time your organs start revolting, you’ll be trending on LinkedIn with the caption: “He gave his life for productivity.”
Ignore Sunlight Like It’s Your Ex
Step outside? For what? Vitamin D is overrated. Forget all that talk about the sunlight being good for you, who sun epp?
Just stay in your dark cave with ring light as your only sun. Before long, your body clock will think 2 a.m. is afternoon.
Next stop: depression express. What happens after that is totally up to you.
Order Junk on Repeat
No time to cook? I understand. Just order away
Pizza for breakfast, shawarma for lunch, and small chops as a nightcap.
Keep living on bread, indomie, and ice cream. In no time, cholesterol will host a housewarming party inside your veins.
Eliminate All Human Contact
Spending time with your loved ones is overrated. Don’t call your friends. Don’t step out.
Just talk to your laptop, your fan, and occasionally argue with your neighbour’s generator. Human interaction is for people who want to live long.
Keep isolating and you’ll soon become the ghost haunting your own office chair.
Bonus Point: Work From Bed Until Bed Becomes Office
Blur the line between sleeping and working completely. Do both simultaneously.
We’ll call it multitasking. Laptop on pillow, Zoom call under the duvet, and “quick nap” that turns into three hours of missed deadlines.
Don’t worry — your boss wouldn’t mind since you have a reputation for over delivering.
But your health will collapse faster than Nigerian roads during the rainy season.
And that’s the goal.
Remote work is a typical blessing in disguise; it can be a blessing or a slow-motion suicide mission.
If you want to stick around long enough to actually enjoy your salary, please: stretch, drink water, touch grass, and for heaven’s sake — log off sometimes.
Because dying early for a laptop that will be reassigned in 48 hours is so not worth it.
But you can ignore this advice or take it, if you want to be alive to spend the money.
If you’re ready to thrive as a remote worker and avoid these pitfalls? Join Fusion’s Co-working community for more seasoned advice and a supportive network.
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